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» 1 - Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.高盧戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)失敗了。這場(chǎng)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的結(jié)局預(yù)示了之后兩千年的法國(guó)歷史，即法國(guó)能被任何人征服，甚至是一個(gè)意大利人。2 - Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."百年戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：大部分的仗法國(guó)都打輸了。國(guó)家最后為一個(gè)女性精神分裂癥患者所挽救。此女患者不經(jīng)意間創(chuàng)造了法國(guó)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)定律一：“只有不是在法國(guó)男人的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)下，法軍才能獲勝�！� ]3 - Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.意大利戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)輸了。法國(guó)就此有幸成為世上唯一一個(gè)即使和意大利人作戰(zhàn)也能連輸兩次的國(guó)家。4 - Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.宗教戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)對(duì)胡格諾派，三個(gè)階段各取得0場(chǎng)、5場(chǎng)和4場(chǎng)勝利。5 - Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.三十年戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：如果技術(shù)上死摳國(guó)際公法的話，法國(guó)不能算是三十年戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的交戰(zhàn)方，不過法國(guó)仍然是成功地被攪進(jìn)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)中。這場(chǎng)仗法國(guó)宣稱是一場(chǎng)平局，原因是戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的最后階段其他交戰(zhàn)方都懶得理睬她了。 ]6 - War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.霸權(quán)轉(zhuǎn)移戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：平局。法國(guó)人就是喜歡拿紅花盆當(dāng)帽子戴。(譯者注：貌似意思是法國(guó)人把輸?shù)舻膽?zhàn)爭(zhēng)當(dāng)平局。)7 - The Dutch War: Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.荷蘭戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：平局。荷蘭農(nóng)夫和花農(nóng)打起仗來可比他們那傻呵呵的外表厲害多了。8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War(譯者不知道怎么翻譯):法國(guó)輸了，但她宣稱是平局。法國(guó)短時(shí)間內(nèi)把三場(chǎng)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)(霸權(quán)轉(zhuǎn)移戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)、荷蘭戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)和這次戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng))都打成平局。這樣的事實(shí)誘使腦子秀豆的全世界法蘭西粉們把這個(gè)年代吹噓為法國(guó)軍事力量的頂峰。 ]9 - War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.西班牙王位繼承戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)輸了。戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)讓法國(guó)人初次品嘗了Marlborough的美味，此后法國(guó)人一直很喜歡 Marlborough。(Marlborough是西班牙王位繼承戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)中在歐洲大陸與法軍作戰(zhàn)的英國(guó)將領(lǐng)。后來的Marlborough貌似指萬寶路香煙。雙關(guān)語。)10 - American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."美國(guó)獨(dú)立戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：在這場(chǎng)為后世熟知的戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)中，法國(guó)人宣稱自己是勝利者，雖然大多數(shù)的仗都是美國(guó)人民在打。這就是所謂的“戴高樂綜合癥”。從此也引出法國(guó)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)定律二：“法國(guó)只有在美軍和他們一邊并為其打了大部分仗的情況下才能獲勝�！�11 - French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.法國(guó)大革命：勝利了。主要原因是戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)雙方都是法國(guó)人。 ]12 - The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.拿破侖戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)輸了。法軍初期的勝利歸功于一個(gè)科西嘉人的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)(記得法國(guó)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)定律一吧)，然而這位科西嘉人也贏不了俄羅斯的寒冬，普魯士的擲彈兵和一位英國(guó)的鞋襪設(shè)計(jì)師。13 - The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.普法戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)輸了。德國(guó)人開始扮演這樣的角色：在周末夜晚闖進(jìn)法國(guó)丑姑娘家里的醉漢子。14 - World War I: Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.第一次世界大戰(zhàn)：遭受侵略蒙受侮辱眼看要輸?shù)姆▏?guó)被美國(guó)拯救了。偉大的法蘭西人民終于收獲了一場(chǎng)平局。幾千名法國(guó)婦女嘗到了這樣新奇的滋味：與勝利者上床，而且那勝利者不會(huì)用德文叫她們“Fraulein(妓女？)”�？杀�的是，當(dāng)時(shí)美國(guó)人鬼迷心竅地在意起什么個(gè)人衛(wèi)生(法國(guó)女人自然搞不懂為啥要個(gè)人衛(wèi)生)，因此美國(guó)士兵使得安全套的使用開始廣泛傳播，因而預(yù)先排除了法國(guó)人血統(tǒng)改良的任何可能。 ]15 - World War II: A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...第二次世界大戰(zhàn)：即使是按照法國(guó)人的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，這也是一次決定性的失敗。希特勒和他領(lǐng)導(dǎo)的德國(guó)青年在圣誕假期睡大覺打呼嚕，就這樣過了冬(指1939年10月波蘭戰(zhàn)斗停止后，西線的平靜局面)。開春后希特勒把德國(guó)青年集結(jié)成軍隊(duì)，在六周內(nèi)就征服了法國(guó)。希特勒在埃菲爾鐵塔前跳舞，而此時(shí)法國(guó)軍隊(duì)的總參謀長(zhǎng)先生撤退到阿爾及利亞去制作一個(gè)崩潰性的語言教學(xué)類節(jié)目：教法國(guó)大兵在德國(guó)人面前如何說“我投降”，也教法國(guó)將領(lǐng)在德國(guó)人面前如何說“我們投降”。被征服的法國(guó)人民剛剛學(xué)會(huì)唱黨衛(wèi)軍的赫斯特威塞爾之歌，就被美國(guó)人和英國(guó)人解放了。16 - First Vietnamese War (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play): Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.第一次越南戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)(越南人的叫法是“爭(zhēng)球”或者說“表演賽”，這種比賽主力隊(duì)員都在場(chǎng)邊看著替補(bǔ)隊(duì)員在場(chǎng)上比賽。)：法國(guó)輸了。在德國(guó)人的戰(zhàn)俘營(yíng)里呆了四年剛恢復(fù)自由的法國(guó)士兵，卻死在了奠邊府戰(zhàn)役。17 - Algerian rebellion: Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.阿爾及利亞叛亂：法國(guó)輸了。十字軍東征以來還是第一次，一支阿拉伯軍隊(duì)打敗了西方軍隊(duì)。制造了現(xiàn)在***戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)定律一：“我們總能打敗法國(guó)人�！边@定律不錯(cuò)，不過缺了點(diǎn)意思。這也是意大利、俄羅斯、普魯士、德國(guó)、英格蘭、荷蘭、西班牙、越南以及美洲印第安人和美洲資本家的戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)第一定律。 ]18 - War on Terrorism: Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.反恐戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)：法國(guó)輸了。忿恨于未被美國(guó)列為邪惡軸心之一，法國(guó)拒絕參戰(zhàn)。當(dāng)局勢(shì)開始明朗，這不是“鬧著玩的戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)”的時(shí)候，法國(guó)總統(tǒng)希拉克先生瞄了眼自己的信用卡，立即投降了德國(guó)老兵施羅德先生。從好的方面說，他也是向法國(guó)境內(nèi)五百萬阿爾及利亞非法移民投降另外補(bǔ)一條：法國(guó)也是世界上唯一一個(gè)即使和大清作戰(zhàn)也能輸?shù)舻脟?guó)家，而且還搞得政府垮臺(tái) : )那么，法國(guó)是怎么生存到現(xiàn)在的呢。 那么，法國(guó)是怎么生存到現(xiàn)在的呢。法國(guó)人最牛逼的時(shí)候是拿破侖的時(shí)代...大半個(gè)歐洲臣服在他腳下其他的時(shí)候差強(qiáng)人意吧法國(guó)最成功的戰(zhàn)略就是肢解德國(guó)，阻止德國(guó)完成統(tǒng)一，德國(guó)1870年才最終完成統(tǒng)一，法國(guó)功不可沒...不都說意大利是豬隊(duì)友么？怎么法國(guó)也是？難道只有德國(guó)人會(huì)打仗么？。。。我記得清朝抗外戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)也是中法戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)清朝贏了的？結(jié)果清朝主動(dòng)跪的節(jié)奏？公雞被黑出翔了啊～～11 - French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.法國(guó)大革命：勝利了。主要原因是戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)雙方都是法國(guó)人。 那么，法國(guó)是怎么生存到現(xiàn)在的呢。 阿爾及利亞叛亂：法國(guó)輸了。十字軍東征以來還是第一次，一支阿拉伯軍隊(duì)打敗了西方軍隊(duì)。制造了現(xiàn)在***戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)定律一：“我們總能打敗法國(guó)人�！边@定律不錯(cuò)，不過缺了點(diǎn)意思。這也是意大利、俄羅斯、普魯士、德國(guó)、英格蘭、荷蘭、西班牙、越南以及美洲印第安人和美洲資本家的戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)第一定律。這個(gè)作者也太沒水平了吧,阿爾及利亞的叛亂是法國(guó)傘兵部隊(duì),也就是著名的法國(guó)外籍軍團(tuán)怎么就成了阿拉伯軍隊(duì)了?外籍軍團(tuán)里面的骨干軍官力量可全都是純正的法國(guó)人支持叛亂的也都是在阿的法國(guó)裔人士太陽(yáng)王路易14和拿破倫兩個(gè)時(shí)代是法國(guó)的巔峰吧.發(fā)現(xiàn)看完第一句就不用看了。。。這作者的邏輯很有問題啊女人、外國(guó)人，沒了